Psychology. Consultation with a psychologist. Socionics
I have this situacija.Recently divorced her husband.He lived for 7 years with two children.It turned out that he had in the last two years was another woman who bore him a child.Before her were the women,some I knew about some learned just now.The loyalty he not trialsa.I couldn’t leave,maybe I was with two children in the decree,had nowhere to go,suffered.The husband in the lives of children not particularly delved,he had five minutes chatting,and then he dug into the Internet or left.
Now. This was his last woman tried to get in touch with me,through the front pages in social networks wrote me an insulting message,trying,apparently,to tell me about the baby.Back then I didn’t know,asked her husband to explain.He said it was wrong.
In the end,information about the child it dawned on me.The child recognized.
Recently stumbled upon the correspondence of the husband with this woman.Saw joy on the news of the divorce.That is,a person don’t even flashed that she broke up the family and deprived children of a father.I personally have not met,but this correspondence has helped me develop my to her negative attitude.
This is the background.Now about the problem.
Recently I told my children that we were divorced.And what dad has the woman he married.And child.
The eldest daughter was crying(she’s 7),we talked,I tried to calm down,saying that her dad still loves that just fell out of love with my mother.Said that he would come to visit whenever you want.Said that we all will survive and everything will be fine.
Then from my son(he is 5) I learned that my father already told him about his wife and about his son,whom he called brother and was told that they would be friends and walk together.The son told me that he didn’t want that.I said that he can decide whether he wants to or not.And nobody is going to force him.
Based on the above, I have a few questions.
1.Should have done the husband,calling his son’s new wife’s “brother”?I do not want to,didn’t want to impose on family ties,at least for now,until the children’s heads have missed all this information about the divorce.
2. How do I respond to daughter’s question-well if dad did when he left mom “to kiss another aunt”?
3.Ex-husband recently in a telephone conversation with children said that he would call them to his guests in the new house.Honestly,I do not welcome.Don’t want them to communicate with his new wife.I don’t like it,because of all the situation.Want the children met with the Pope in my territory or in neutral.Is it right?
4.Can I tell the kids that I was sad that daddy left me?Generally,your emotions and feelings I can trust them?Do they need to know about what I feel?Or should I pretend that everything is fine?With your ex-husband have a good relationship,when we children would it not allow to swear. BUT whether from my side hypocrisy, so to speak?Children feel.
Marianne Lapina 29 Sep 2014
Hello Genia. Thank you for the question.
Are unable to immediately respond, sorry.
So point by point:
1.Husband did what he did. He told the truth. And it is always better than a lie. Sooner or later he would call this child.
2. To answer the question. “was bad. It’s not okay to kiss another aunt.”
3.I think that is not worth much to press in on this. Suggest this as your condition. The main thing is not to make war. Sooner or later they will communicate. Just now soul aches and you don’t want children to be communicated with the one who got hurt. But it’s not like she planned the whole thing. Responsible not only for her. For children big injury, when used as a subject of quarrels and manipulation.
4. His emotions and feelings it is possible to speak, even necessary. But, the main thing is not to assess. Not to say asshole dad left us. It is important that children, like You said they understood that daddy is forever. But my mom hurt, sad, anxious and fearful because they – husband and wife – not a relationship.
Eugene, good day!
The relationship of children with their father after the divorce, rather delicate, but vital topic.
To execute and blame the husband this is not necessary. He did what he did. The main thing he told you the truth that he has another family and sooner or later you’d find out about it.
As for emotions, they need to speak. Former spouse most importantly do not judge – do not criticize, for the child he still was, is and will be a father.
My husband try to establish “friendly” relations. Where neither your nor his side will not swear words and assessment of parental qualities in anyone’s address.